# Calmness Is Love, Not Intensity *A reflection on friendship, performance, identity, and what we actually mean when we say we love someone.* --- I used to think love was intensity. The constant talking. The overthinking. The emotional highs and lows. Always checking in. Always trying to make things work. But lately, I’m learning something different: > ## Calmness is love. And honestly, I don’t know if I had ever truly experienced that kind of calmness around people before. I spent most of my life performing for others. Trying to be: - the perfect friend, - the always available person, - the understanding one, - the planner, - the one who always reached out first. And because of that, I attracted relationships and friendships built around performance, not peace. Some people enjoyed the version of me that always showed up for them, but very few really showed up for me. > *“I was the perfect friend — but that wasn’t love. That was performance.”* That realization hurt. --- # When Friendship Starts Feeling Like Performance One thing I noticed about myself is that silence from friends made me anxious. If someone took too long to reply, I would overthink. If the energy changed slightly, I would immediately want to fix it. So I kept reaching out. Kept trying harder. Kept maintaining every connection through effort. And yes, effort matters in friendship. But it becomes unhealthy when you are always the one carrying the relationship emotionally. A friend once told me: > *“Stop forcing everything. Let some things happen naturally.”* That advice stayed with me. Because real friendship should not constantly feel like survival. --- # Overthinking Doesn't Fix It Another friend once told me: > *“Stopoverthinking - trying to control everything with your mind. Just let it happen.”* That hit hard. Because overthinking is often just our way of trying to force certainty in relationships where there isn't any. My overthinking was not wisdom. It was fear. - Fear of losing people. - Fear of being forgotten. - Fear that if I stopped performing, people would stop choosing me. So I started learning more about myself: - my personality, - my attachment patterns, - my fears, - and why I kept attracting emotionally unavailable people. And honestly, that journey changed me. I realized something important: You cannot control life with your mind. You cannot think your way into peace. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is: - accept reality, - stop trying to control outcomes, - stop delaying difficult truths, - and let life unfold honestly. That’s what started freeing me from overthinking. --- # Love Is Not Control Whether in friendship or relationships, love is not: - possession, - control, - pressure, - fear, - or constantly needing reassurance. Love is freedom. Not freedom to disrespect people, but freedom to fully be yourself without fear. A healthy friendship should allow both people to grow individually. A healthy relationship should not make you shrink yourself just to keep peace. If you constantly have to perform to be loved, something is wrong. > *“For you to love genuinely, you cannot control or try to change someone into who you want them to be.”* That applies to friendships too. A lot of control comes from fear: - fear of losing people, - fear of being replaced, - fear that someone being fully themselves means they’ll stop choosing you. But genuine love does not force people into smaller versions of themselves just to make us comfortable. It allows people to grow. To explore. To become. Not without boundaries or honesty, but without possession. Because the moment love becomes control, it stops being love and starts becoming fear. --- # You Can't Love Who You Don't Know This idea challenged me deeply. You cannot truly love someone you don’t actually know. An idea of them? A projection? A fantasy of who you hope they become? That’s not love. That’s imagination. Love requires knowledge. It requires seeing someone as they are, not as they could become. And this is also why love without identity becomes dangerous. If you don’t know who you are, you’ll keep attaching to people based on how they make you feel rather than who they actually are. You’ll keep performing, hoping they see enough of you to stay. --- ## Limerence vs Love Limerence is the obsessive emotional state people often mistake for love. It is driven by: - uncertainty, - craving, - emotional highs, - emotional lows, - and the need for reassurance. It looks like love, but it is often anxiety wearing the clothes of love. Attachment can become similar. Sometimes we hold onto people not because of who they are, but because of what they represent: - safety, - validation, - identity, - comfort, - or fear of being alone. Neither of those is real love. --- # Love Is Not About Potential One thing I’m still learning is this: > Love is not loving the idea of who someone could become. > It is loving who they are right now. A lot of us fall in love with future versions of people: - who they might become, - how they might heal, - how they might change. But real connection starts with truth, not imagination. You notice people for who they already are. > *“Love is noticed. You don’t build it. You don’t work someone into loving you — you either see it or you don’t.”* You cannot force someone into your ideal version. --- # Friendship, Relationships, and Trust I don’t think loving everyone equally is practical. As Christians, we know God is love. Christ loved everyone, but even Jesus had people He was closer to. The disciples were close to Him. And within the disciples, some were even closer. That doesn’t mean He loved others less. It simply means closeness naturally differs between people. That’s how life works too. Some friends will know deeper parts of you than others. Some people will feel safer than others. And that’s okay. --- # Love Needs Identity You cannot truly love someone you do not know. And you also cannot love well when you do not know yourself. That’s why identity matters. A lot of unhealthy relationships come from people trying to use others to complete themselves. But love is not dependency. Love becomes healthier when two people already know who they are. That applies to friendships too. --- # Calmness vs Intensity I used to confuse anxiety with connection. But love is not constantly wondering: - *“Do they still care?”* - *“Are they leaving?”* - *“Did I do something wrong?”* Love feels safe enough to breathe. It is curious, not anxious. It wants to know you, not control you. And honestly, the healthiest connections I’ve started experiencing are the calm ones, not the intense ones. The ones where: - you don’t fear silence, - you don’t fear honesty, - you don’t have to perform, - and you don’t lose yourself trying to keep someone. --- # What This Journey Taught Me This journey taught me: - to stop chasing intensity, - to stop forcing connections, - to stop overperforming, - and to become comfortable being myself. It also taught me that people can have other friendships, other connections, and other spaces in their lives without it threatening your place. That’s where trust comes in. Real love — even in friendship — is secure enough to allow freedom. It allows people to grow without fear. It allows honesty without punishment. It allows individuality without insecurity. --- # If You Recognize Yourself In This If you recognize yourself in the performing, the overthinking, the anxiety, or the intensity you mistook for depth — keep going. Real connection exists. Healthy friendship exists. Peaceful love exists. And one of the hardest parts of growing up is learning the difference between intensity and genuine care. --- # Final Thoughts Love is peaceful. Love is honest. Love is freedom with responsibility. Love is commitment without control. Love is calmness, not intensity. And maybe growing up is slowly learning the difference. --- If this resonated with you, share it with a friend who might need it too. And if you're also on this journey of identity, friendship, faith, and emotional growth, stay connected. There’s more coming soon — especially around friendship, attachment, expectations, and what healthy connection actually looks like. <div align="left"> [](https://shikandaimmanuel.vercel.app/blog) [](https://www.youtube.com/@BeJustThat) </div> — **Be just that**
